What do you do when you don't like your kid's friend? I've been asked this by moms of a 5 year-old, a 12 year-old and a 17 year-old in the last few weeks. While you can't really pick your kid's relationships, here are 3 things you can do:
1. Ask, "What makes a good relationship? How are you a good friend to others?"
Kids are learning about relationships. They start off in parallel play, graduate to interactive play and eventually come to discern who they like hanging around with and who they don't. This takes time. Unpleasant relationships teach these lessons.
When you ask about what makes a good relationship, don't answer. Let the question hang in the air...if no one has an answer today, suggest that they think about it and then you can all talk about it at dinner the next day.
2. Ask about your kids' friends in general. "How are they doing? What are they up to? What makes them an interesting friend? What is the best part about being friends with these people?"
Again, just be curious. If your child can't say why Timothy is a good friend, just let that sit. Ultimately, we want your child to start asking themselves why they don't have an answer for that question. Eventually, you might use one of my favourite parenting questions:
"Help me to understand what you get out of hanging out with Timothy?"
Then be quiet and curious.
3. Ask, "If you feel yucky hanging out with someone, how would you stop hanging out with that person?"
No matter the age of the child, the answer to this question involves
- Saying no thank you to the friend in question,
- Finding something else to do instead, or
- Finding someone else to play with.
If your child doesn't have an answer, ask them if they might like some help to figure it out.
BONUS TIP: Model good relationships.
If you are in a relationship that feels yucky, ask yourself the questions and talk with someone to find a way out of the relationship or work to solve the problems.
For the record: forbidding a relationship doesn't usually work out. It can often make that other person seem even more tempting. Sometimes our child is hanging out with Timothy because no one else will and they want to be a kind friend to everyone.
Kids have a lot to learn about relationships. Help them to use the ones they find to create clarity around what feels good. Some words to get everyone started could be: safety, respect, kindness, freedom, fun, and care.
Here's to helping your kids learn about relationships and getting clearer about your own.