“Help me to understand…”
Your child blames you for something, or sees a situation completely differently from the way you see it.
First thought: Time to shut this down!
Action: Shaming, disagreeing, parent-splaining
Outcome: shame, boredom, feel unheard, no more talking.
OR
First thought: Interesting, that’s not the way I see it but I’m curious about their point of view.
Action: “Help me to understand your point of view, I’d like to hear more.”
Outcome: continued sharing, conversation, possible problem-solving
Conflict is fairly normal, and yet, when someone has a different opinion than us, whether that’s a stranger, a close adult or a child, it can feel threatening. Could we be wrong? How could they think that way?
It’s easy to go on the attack, especially if it’s our child. We may think that we should shut down their feelings or thoughts, then we can show them what’s right (our way.)
But if we want our child to continue to share their feelings/thoughts/problems, they need to feel heard and that it’s okay to feel differently than their parent. By leading with curiosity, we create an opportunity for learning, cooperation, conversation, and connection.