There are few things as maddening as needing to get something done quickly and having it be sidelined by defiance. Do we have to have a fight about shoes before going out the door? Why does the favourite meal suddenly become gross right before the soccer game? Why is the pair of black pants in the washing machine superior to all the rest?
Our child digs in their heels and all of a sudden, we too are a child on the playground and the fight is on! Only this time, we are supposed to be the one in charge so our fight for power must overcome the power-play of our offspring. They don't call it a power-struggle for nothing. It's a struggle because both parties are fighting for power, hoping to win, and that the other loses.
Is win-lose the only possibility?
It doesn't have to be. So, fellow adult, here's another way to play this game. Rather than continuing the battle for power, we have a chance to turn it into a situation where both parties work together and solve the struggle.
It began as You Versus Your Child in a situation. We can shift the structure of this interaction to You and Your Child Versus the problem in the situation. You can work together to solve the problem. You join each other on the same side, and you are seeing your child as a problem-solver rather than someone you have to wrangle into seeing things your way.
What to say
"Wow! We've got a problem. You want 'x' and I want 'y' and somehow we need to work together to solve the problem and get to where we're going. How can we do this together?"
If you had time to have the argument, you've got time to figure out a solution together.
What if there's not time?
Sometimes that's the reality. Let your child feel the way they feel about the situation and move forward. Save the problem-solving for later in the day, or the following weekend.
What to say
"We need to go now. I'll grab your shoes, you head to the car and this afternoon we'll figure out how this won't happen again tomorrow. It's okay for you to feel mad/sad about this, go ahead and let the feelings out."
"You love those black pants and want to wear them. I get it. It's okay for you to be mad that I put them in the laundry today. I'm grabbing these other pants for now - you can put them on or I can help. We'll make a plan tonight about the pants you want to wear tomorrow."
"This is the food for dinner. You get to decide whether you eat it or not in order to give your body the energy it needs for soccer tonight. Is there any part of this dinner that your body wants? This weekend, we'll put a dinner plan on the fridge so that everyone is clear what dinner will be and you don't feel like I surprised you. We've got 10 minutes to eat and then we need to leave."
Follow up when you have time and work together with your child to find a solution. Write it down so that everyone remembers for next time. Aiming for win-win teaches cooperation, emotional regulation and problem-solving.