What if our child never learns or changes? What if they eat only one food for the rest of their lives? What if they treat everyone as rudely as they treat us and never make any friends? What if they never wake up on time and lose their job? What will become of them AND what will people think of the parents who did this?
When a child gets stuck in a phase, it is so easy to forecast a disaster far into the future, and then feel paralyzed by the imagined disaster. The more frustrated we feel, the more shame joins the party. We are disappointed in ourselves and the child, and anything we do to try to make things better feels like it's making things worse and like all of us will be stuck in that stage forever.
We cannot change the behaviour of others, and we do have the power to change our own behaviour, so that's where we need to start.
1. Zoom in
Rather than worrying about our child's entire lifetime, let's come back to right here, right now, and take the pressure off of our ourselves and our child.
2. What's working?
Take a quick mental snap-shot and find one thing that this child is doing well. Dig deep, look hard, and if you can't find anything, ask your friend or someone a little less bogged-down by the situation. Holding on to the one thing that is working can give everyone a more positive focus.
3. What skill does your child need to learn?
Is it a new way to say something (Less mean?) Is it a new habit - (Packing the backpack the night before?) Does your child need you to hold them accountable for a bit until they get back on track?
There, you did it. You have moved yourself from your doomsday forecasting drama to a place where things are possible. You've played the role of logic-brained-adult rather than emotional-brained-youngster. Your child really needs you to bring the frontal lobe part of this equation so that they can be the child and you can stay cool as a cucumber.
From there, you can comment/congratulate on the thing that's working well, and invite a conversation about the new skill that the two of you can work on together to get everyone past this bump in the road. Their face will not stay frozen with their tongue out. They will move past this challenge. You both will. Together.
Need help? Watch this video where I share some tips to get you unstuck.