Realistic expectations are hard to come by. Some people are way too easy on themselves. MOST people are way to tough on themselves. How do we figure out realistic expectations of ourselves and others?
Parents have been asking me this question for over 20 years. Usually they ask it in reference to their kids:
“How do I support a teen with such high expectations for grades that they get stressed and upset when they don’t achieve their own high standards?”
Sometimes, they’ll ask the same question in reference to their own parenting. If it’s a group session, the eyebrows of all the other moms in the class will go up, and there will be nods of recognition.
In both instances there was an absence of logic when the whole process was started. We have:
- Expectations without an understanding of what’s realistic
- Frustration when mistakes are made
- Personal blame and shame when expectations are not met
- Lack of a realistic plan to learn from challenges and mistakes*
When we see our kids being crushed, failing to meet unrealistic expectations, we can empathize and support them, knowing that their worth has nothing to do with their achievements. We can support them by encouraging them to connect with an expert to help create realistic expectations and a plan to invest reasonable effort, learn new skills, stay healthy and work thoughtfully toward these realistic goals.
Kids teach us so much about ourselves don’t they? We can be fair to ourselves in holding ourselves to this same encouragement:
Struggling with your parenting?
This says nothing about your worth. Instead, it indicates that you need to connect with someone who has already been there, who can help you to create realistic expectations and a plan to invest reasonable effort, learn new skills (which they can teach you,) stay healthy and work toward these new goals, thoughtfully and with achievable steps.
People with experience are all around you. Get help, get real. Be fair, and set yourself up for success. You deserve it!